The Art of the Letter

Have you ever bought something that turned out to be garbage? What did you do with it? If you're anything like I was, you probably trashed it, or, tucked it away somewhere in your house because you couldn't stomach the thought of throwing it out, because it was new-ish, or cost a lot of money.

I have wasted so much of my money on crap that didn't work properly, and always just kind of chalked it up to, "oh well, I guess."

Once, when my oldest was small, I bought some "leak proof" sippy cups. Guess what? They leaked like crazy. They were the worst sippy cups on the planet. They had some leak proof guarantee on them, but I had already tossed the packaging and receipt. It haunted me. Eventually, I also tossed the cups, because I'd see a part of them floating around in the Tupperware cupboard of nightmares (I know you have one, too), taunting me, and it always made me so mad because sippy cups are kind of expensive, for what they are. What they are, to be clear, is a leaky plastic cup.

Anyway, back to my trusty old Superstore I went, to find a new cup. I made my choice, and was happy with it for a while, and then, alas, it too started to leak. I, of course, made this discovery in the middle of the night when she woke up sad and wet, because her water had leaked all over her in her sleep. So, after changing the bed and rocking the baby, instead of playing my zillionth round of Candy Crush, I googled the cup, and found the company.

I wrote them a quick email. It was not a mean email, but it was an honest email. My dudes. Why am I writing you an email about a sippy cup at 3am in the morning? Because your leak proof cup leaked all over my baby and now everyone is awake and mild to moderate levels of annoyed. I paid over $10 for one cup, and I am seriously the cheapest person, so this is kind of a big deal to me. What are we going to do?

I had an email back from an actual person within the hour. "Send us your address, we'll send you new cups."

Excuse me? Is it actually that easy? Why yes it is. In fact, sometimes it's even easier.

My Zoku popsicle maker thing exploded all over my freezer. Old me would have thrown it in the garbage and then lived in shame that my miracle popsicle machine that my husband didn't think I was actually going to use anyway was a big fat waste of money. New me got on the internet and discovered that everyone's popsicle maker was exploding all over their freezer, and there was actually an easy form on the website to fill out. They shipped my new popsicle machine the same day. (Spoiler alert: this one didn't blow up, but I still didn't use it. It's moved on to a new home, now).

Contigo water bottles have a lifetime guarantee. Those Munchkin miralce 360 cups are not supposed to leak. Fisher Price may send you a whole new $200+ baby swing for zero dollars. At least, they did for me.

Sometimes, you have to be a little persistent. I once bought "waterproof" mattress protectors for the kids' beds from Superstore. They're not waterproof, fyi. Ask me how I know. I wrote an email to Loblaws, and didn't get a response. So after a week, I tweeted Superstore and told them I was switching to Save On until they replied to my email. (This is serious business. You should know, by now, how loyal I am to Superstore). After I got a "welcome" tweet from Save On Foods, I got a reply from Superstore. They sent me $100, and replacement mattress covers. When I reported back that the replacements were also not waterproof, they instead sent me a Joe Fresh outfit for each of my kids (down to the socks).

I wrote to Pampers because suddenly the tabs on the diapers we'd been using for 5 years started to rip off mid change, rendering the diaper useless. Once I hit 10 useless diapers in a month (that's 120 diapers, or a whole jumbo box, or $33 in a year, and yes, I kept track every time I had a broken tab), I wrote a letter. They sent me $30.

Sometimes, like when I'm in the middle of changing the diaper genie insert (truly a shitty job, if ever there was one), and the bag rips all the way down the side, I am in a bit of a rage when I start to write my letter. Sometimes, I need to let myself cool down a little bit before I hit send, but I always try to write while the incident is still relatively fresh.

Yo, playtex, you also have a terrible sippy cup that I never wrote to you about, because I didn't appreciate the power of the letter back then.

The key to a successful letter, in my experience, is to not be a jerk. Just relay the experience, why you chose/choose their product and how it let you down this time. Here is a free template (but if you know me, and you use this, and it works, you can pay me with chocolate, because I am a child).

Hi there,

I have been a fan of your <brand/product/whatever> for a long time. I have been using this product for many <years/months/whatever>, and the experience has been largely positive. I have recommended this product to friends. Recently, however, I have noticed the quality of your product is not what it used to be. In fact, today, when I tried to use <product>, <this happened>. Based on my past experience, I had expected better of <product>. As a <single income family of five/person who works hard for my money/extremely frugal individual> I am very discerning about how and where I choose to spend our family's money. I am hopeful that the issue I have encountered with your product can be remedied <with a repair/with a replacement/by evaluating your quality control/by reconsidering recent changes made to your product> but until then, I am reluctant to continue spending my money on this product. I trust that you are a reputable brand that stands behind the products they sell, and I look forward to hearing from you.

I got a check in the mail, yesterday, for $30 from the Diaper Genie people.

I don't write a letter for everything. Some things have lived their life, and it's okay to let them go. But if it's something that didn't last as long as the price tag warrants, is wrecked before I can use it, or is still super new, I don't think it hurts to try. (I apply this same logic to the return line at Costco. If it's lived a good life, and you got your money's worth, let it goooo).

Last month, my daughter turned 3. She took some of her birthday money to the store and picked out a new toy. The next day, the leg had broken off. I know kids' toys are largely plastic crap, but in all my years of teaching small children, and having small children, nothing, aside from maybe a Dollar Store trinket, has had such a short life span. Plus my daughter was sad. Plus we got it from Winners so it's not like I was going to be able to find another one. So I wrote the guilt trip version of the letter above. This version includes a picture of my adorable child proudly paying for her toy with her own money, and then another picture of her sad, broken toy.

She was so excited, you guys. I almost cried when the damn leg fell off. #momlife

Her new doll is in the mail.

Writing a letter (and by letter I mean email or filling out the contact us form on a website) is worth it. This is your money we're talking about. And if you can avoid throwing your money in the trash and having to use more of your money to buy the same thing, why wouldn't you? Some of these things, like the broken toy above, I could probably have returned to the store, but the doll also had a bunch of little accessories that came with it that are still usable. Plus, they were already mixed in with their other little accessories I fish out of their brother's hands and mouth four billion times a day. If I returned it, the whole thing would end up in the landfill. Sometimes I have a multi pack of something from Costco. Of course I could return the entire thing to Costco and get a replacement, but if only a part of it is broken and can be repaired or replaced, it's better than returning and garbaging the whole lot, isn't it? Plus then they'll just mail it to my house and I don't have to stand in the Costco return line.

Poor Principal Celestia :(

"But Grocery Guru," you say, "I don't have time to write a letter. I have a job. I have kids. I have important things to do."

First of all, you may call me Kelsi.

Second of all, everyone has important things to do. If you make not wasting your money a priority, you will find the time to write the letter.

Thirdly, I wrote the letter for you above. Think of it like mad-libs and fill in the blanks. It will take you longer to find the email address for the company you're writing to than it will to even write the letter.

Lastly, if you are reading this blog at all, you probably found it via Facebook. If you have time to read a blog about groceries of all things, that you found while scrolling Facebook, you certainly have time to send an email that will save you money.

Stop allowing yourself to throw your money in the garbage.